I wrote, last time, that there might be a downside in being in a group like Talk Time, where there are a couple of very simple rules to encourage speaking about what’s happening in our life, listening to the others speak, and showing we’ve listened by bringing up either what we heard or how that resonates with us. So what is that downside?
Gosh, Elsa - I've not participated in Talk Time, yet I deeply hear (and feel) what you're saying about non-listening. I've struggled with it in the 5 decades I've spent with my husband. Recently it's only become worse, and I'm feeling it particularly keenly. It HURTS, and makes me feel far more alone than if I WAS alone. Last night I felt such a strong sense of FURY when something I was wanting/trying to express was quickly bypassed, was not being heard, with him going on to talk at length (again!) about things he knows I have no interest in. Seems he just likes to listen to his own voice, likes to feel like the High School "teacher" he once was.
And yes - it's not easy to express this to people (including partners) when they're not listening. I've tried many times, in all the ways I can think of, but dear hubby ALWAYS gets defensive, loud, saying he IS listening, is doing nothing wrong. One thing I've learned about my "man" is that he's not interested in looking at himself, his role in things, in GROWING.
I sure sound angry and negative; I'm FEELING angry and negative. It's not like me, really, to be like that. And really, the FURY I feel is fury at myself - for not STAYING AWAY from my husband in the times I've left him over the past 5 decades. His desperately wanting me back made me ache for him, and I'd relent. Yet - I shouldn't have. We should all respect ourselves enough to not get stuck in long-term situations which deplete our energy, our sense of wellbeing, our sense of SELF.
Blessings to you, dear Elsa. I appreciate you, and I appreciate your posts and all you share 😊 🙏
P.S. I love your "final thought" (above), and agree with it. In regards to my situation, I feel my hubby knows very little about me, and actually doesn't WANT to know. It's almost like he's SCARED of truly, deeply knowing me. What I don't understand is how that can feel satisfying to him. I don't understand how that way of being can feel satisfying to ANY non-listener. I think it must be based on fear . . .
First, I loud and clear hear your frustration, anger, hurt.
Then, at the end you write: It's almost like he's SCARED of truly, deeply knowing me. What I don't understand is how that can feel satisfying to him. I don't understand how that way of being can feel satisfying to ANY non-listener.
The only thing that comes to mind is to express this and ask him what it feels to him when he cuts off when you speak. Does it feel satisfying? Or what is it? Does he feel irritation before he cuts off? And so on.
That's the only way I can imagine getting any movement, to encourage him to be a bit more self-aware and self-expressive.
Having never participated in an open group talk session of any kind in my life, l can only say this. It may be asking too much of any participant to respond to what's being said by another person. I consider myself a good listener and at the same time a bad talker. I will only respond if what's being said motivates me to do so. But that doesn't mean l don't listen to or appreciate what is being said by someone else. If you are saying you want a greater verbal participation by those present, it may be a better idea to present predetermined talking points submitted by the those wanting to be present some time before a meeting. Sometimes the immediacy of a live meeting can be too daunting for people.
One important thing: no one is pushed to speak. Some people want to respond verbally. Others stay silent. All fine. Then, the topic is just whatever comes up in you about your week. It's an ongoing topic. People could bring in talking points if they are more comfortable with that.
Gosh, Elsa - I've not participated in Talk Time, yet I deeply hear (and feel) what you're saying about non-listening. I've struggled with it in the 5 decades I've spent with my husband. Recently it's only become worse, and I'm feeling it particularly keenly. It HURTS, and makes me feel far more alone than if I WAS alone. Last night I felt such a strong sense of FURY when something I was wanting/trying to express was quickly bypassed, was not being heard, with him going on to talk at length (again!) about things he knows I have no interest in. Seems he just likes to listen to his own voice, likes to feel like the High School "teacher" he once was.
And yes - it's not easy to express this to people (including partners) when they're not listening. I've tried many times, in all the ways I can think of, but dear hubby ALWAYS gets defensive, loud, saying he IS listening, is doing nothing wrong. One thing I've learned about my "man" is that he's not interested in looking at himself, his role in things, in GROWING.
I sure sound angry and negative; I'm FEELING angry and negative. It's not like me, really, to be like that. And really, the FURY I feel is fury at myself - for not STAYING AWAY from my husband in the times I've left him over the past 5 decades. His desperately wanting me back made me ache for him, and I'd relent. Yet - I shouldn't have. We should all respect ourselves enough to not get stuck in long-term situations which deplete our energy, our sense of wellbeing, our sense of SELF.
Blessings to you, dear Elsa. I appreciate you, and I appreciate your posts and all you share 😊 🙏
P.S. I love your "final thought" (above), and agree with it. In regards to my situation, I feel my hubby knows very little about me, and actually doesn't WANT to know. It's almost like he's SCARED of truly, deeply knowing me. What I don't understand is how that can feel satisfying to him. I don't understand how that way of being can feel satisfying to ANY non-listener. I think it must be based on fear . . .
First, I loud and clear hear your frustration, anger, hurt.
Then, at the end you write: It's almost like he's SCARED of truly, deeply knowing me. What I don't understand is how that can feel satisfying to him. I don't understand how that way of being can feel satisfying to ANY non-listener.
The only thing that comes to mind is to express this and ask him what it feels to him when he cuts off when you speak. Does it feel satisfying? Or what is it? Does he feel irritation before he cuts off? And so on.
That's the only way I can imagine getting any movement, to encourage him to be a bit more self-aware and self-expressive.
Having never participated in an open group talk session of any kind in my life, l can only say this. It may be asking too much of any participant to respond to what's being said by another person. I consider myself a good listener and at the same time a bad talker. I will only respond if what's being said motivates me to do so. But that doesn't mean l don't listen to or appreciate what is being said by someone else. If you are saying you want a greater verbal participation by those present, it may be a better idea to present predetermined talking points submitted by the those wanting to be present some time before a meeting. Sometimes the immediacy of a live meeting can be too daunting for people.
One important thing: no one is pushed to speak. Some people want to respond verbally. Others stay silent. All fine. Then, the topic is just whatever comes up in you about your week. It's an ongoing topic. People could bring in talking points if they are more comfortable with that.