JOURNEY. 17. FROM THE LONELINESS OF NOT BEING HEARD, TO THE DOWNSIDE OF GETTING SOME GOOD LISTENING

I wrote, last time, that there might be a downside in being in a group like Talk Time, where there are a couple of very simple rules to encourage speaking about what’s happening in our life, listening to the others speak, and showing we’ve listened by bringing up either what we heard or how that resonates with us.

Here’s the downside. We may become more acutely aware of the frequent non-listening of many of those around us, no matter how like-minded about facts, about what is going on in the world.

WHAT GOES ON, DEEP-DOWN, WHEN THIS HAPPENS TO US?

Deep down, I’d say, there is loneliness. On top of that, frustration, perhaps impatience.

That experience is likely to be intensified.

There’s also, for me, a question I tend to ask whenever I don’t appreciate what’s going on: is there some way I can stop this, in this case, stop the non-listening?

Sometimes we can walk away.

Often it’s not easy to do.

Anyway walking away doesn’t change the behavior.

My thing, at the moment: I haven’t come upon any polite response, polite interruption, that I feel the other will be able to take without reacting with anger, or anyway annoyance or irritation - and below that, very likely, hurt. The person has been saying things they thought were interesting and now they’re told it hasn’t been appreciated. They’re very likely to feel criticized.

Is it a criticism?

It’s a truth. It’s a description of an experience, in this case of being talked at.

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And then I come to a downside of not saying anything.

Just because we don’t say something doesn’t mean we don’t send out our response non-verbally. Some people will be immune to any of that. Others will feel that the atmosphere isn’t deep down friendly.

AND BACK TO TALK TIME

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I’ve long been sensitive to instances of extreme non-listening. Like of people talking non-stop about whatever it is they want to talk about.

But I have the sense that the sensitivity has been increasing since I started Talk Time. I say hello to someone and ask the customary how are you. Fifteen minutes later, the person is not finished. I’m introduced to someone. They start to tell me about themself. Thirty minutes later, they are not finished.

I like listening - that’s a big impetus for doing interviews, something I loved doing even more than thirty years ago. Such amazing learning about someone - who is this person, how did they develop, how do they perceive things, what is their life like?

I also like to be known, and more than that, to have others want to know me.

My sense is that a mutual attunement to each other, a mutual interest in each other, is often missing - and having the Talk Time group means I have many fresh experiences of something so different, something that feels so much better.

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I’m back to my question: is there some way of responding which breaks the pattern of the other person talking without listening - a way that does not elicit anger?

I suppose I could say:

You know, I’m wondering if there’s some way I could interrupt what I experience happening here without getting lots of bad stuff going?

What do you mean, is a likely response, it seems to me.

I have been having the experience of your talking on and on without checking for any sign of interest and also without any sign that you’re interested in what’s going on with me. To say it another way, I have the sense of your being interested solely in speaking and not in listening. Anyway I have the sense that there’s no easy way to get listening, with you really wanting to listen.

I don’t see that as readily leading to a great outcome.

Maybe a better thing is to begin with: There’s something I’d like to talk about, and I’m not sure how to do it without upsetting you.

And then, if there’s something like: Well, shoot.

Me: As I said, I’m not sure how to do this without upsetting you. But, okay, I’ll shoot. I have the experience of your talking for a long time about yourself (or it could be about some topic of interest to the person) without checking if I’m interested. And I haven’t heard any interest in learning about me.

I don’t get any answer in my head to that. Maybe I should try it out.

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One thing I know: patterns tend to be deeply entrenched. Try changing any pattern you have (being late, being early, forgetting where you put the keys) and pay attention to how often and how quickly you tend to revert to what you habitually do. And that is when you have made a commitment (on one level, anyway) to changing the pattern.

For now, I will leave it at that.

There is a loneliness to not being heard, not being seen.

And I don’t have some easy formula for changing that.

It may exist. But I haven’t come to it.

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I have a final thought: there is a cost to non-listening to the non-listener as well to the person not being listened to. The non-listener gets a much less full experience of the other person.

JOURNEY. ALL THE CHAPTERS ... UP TO NOW

Posted February 28, 2025