A STORY. 77. YOU COME TO THE GAP

You could think some more about the gap, the various gaps in your life now, and the much bigger gaps long ago.

Instead you decide to turn to Can’t Cross the Gap.

You hold your breath a bit as you come to the page. It’s been years - decades - since you’ve thought much about those gaps.

https://elsasemporium.com/cant-cross-the-gap.html

between the feeling and the fact
between the longing and the act
            a gap

I stand at the edge
   between this side and that
   between the urge and turning back
I stand at the edge
            of the gap

I stand at the edge
   held back
            by the gap

I stand at the edge
   airplane door open
   parachute strapped on
   ready to plunge
   but trapped
   can't cross the edge    the gap

I stand on a ledge
   mountain peaks high
   sheer rock straight down
   I don't look down
   can't go forward or back

You remember gaps like that. Not about ideas. No fear around ideas. Or not so much, anyway. Though even about ideas, you’ve done lots of tiptoeing. It’s sometimes felt like crossing Niagara Falls on a tightrope swaying not far above the falls, barely balancing. And when across, looking back and asking yourself, how to present to students so they come along, one idea leading to the next?

You’ve built bridges for students - light structures, like those swaying hanging bridges built in jungles over deep chasms.

That has been a quiet adventure.

So you know there are ways across gaps - some gaps anyway.

As for the other gaps . . .

I stand at the edge
   look down
   it's a sidewalk
   the light changes
   I still hold back

I stand at the edge
      trapped
   aching to reach
         past the gap
   but can't cross that
   can't cross
      from feeling to fact
      from thought to act
   can't cross that

          too deep
           too wide
           too high

           a chasm
           an abyss
           a canyon

           a crack

     can't cross that
     can't cross the gap

I stand at the edge
I act in my head
hold still in dread
   unsure
   instead
         of risking the gap

between the feeling and the fact
between the longing and the act
            a gap

You can’t remember a time when there was no gap between inside and outside. Easier not to speak.

But the gaps don’t hurt as they used to. Long ago, you felt . . . could it be agony? Something very uncomfortable, anyway.

Now there is more a feeling of silence.

I look down
   it's just a crack

The gap is there but the longing is now a very small one.

The words on the page bring you back to old feelings.

I stand frozen
   crick crack
   don't cross the crack

don't go forward
don't go back

between the thought and the act
between the longing and the fact
                     a gap

I stand at the edge
I act in my head
I hold still instead
   of risking the gap

I stand at the edge
I act in my head
caught
      between desire and dread

between the fiction and the real
        the real and the ideal
        the image and the act
        the thought and the fact
        the wish and the fear
        the longing and the lack

        at the gap

What is going on, you wonder. You close the book on your lap. MOMENTS. You remember noticing the used bookstore for the first time, looking at the displays in the large windows on each side of the old door with the sign hanging from the handle. OPEN. You turned the door, the door opened, you stepped inside. And now?

To be continued . . .
A STORY. 78. ME AND NOT ME
https://elsaiselsa.substack.com/p/a-story-78-me-and-not-me

A STORY. ALL THE CHAPTERS ... UP TO NOW
https://elsaiselsa.substack.com/p/a-story-table-of-contents-up-to-now

Posted Sept 19, 2024