I WAS AT A PARTY I HAD SET UP - AND NOT ENJOYING MYSELF. #12.

I’m remembering an evening from several years ago. There were about 20 people, all invited by me. All nice people. All seemed to be enjoying themselves, talking and laughing.

And I felt so distant. I went to the kitchen as soon as I could, started cleaning up. That felt good. Someone came to join me. That conversation felt very good, very friendly and connected. Casual and yet not superficial.

I had thought, before the party, that I would start having a party - a get-together - every month or so. Long ago - several decades ago - on a lot of Friday nights, I had had pot lucks. Very casual. Very informal. Very relaxed. Those had felt right. The conversations could go anywhere, with one person or another, or with a small group. Or I could be silent, just listen.

I had expected something similar, at that party a few years ago. And it seemed it was similar for the other people. Not for me.

I knew I did not want another party. And I haven’t had another.

Lines from Shakespeare (or some variant - I’ve never been good at memorization) come to mind: The fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.

I could say: I just don’t like parties. And that would be somewhat accurate. But that’s only part of the story. Not the important part. I did like the potlucks long ago.

Nobody was asking anything of me at that party where I wasn’t having a good time.

So what was it.

The fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.

This ties very much with being in another country, and bringing myself to it.

Note: this is - as always - only part of the story. There are so many other parts. And things keep changing.

Elsa

JOURNEY. STRANGE JOURNEY. ALL THE CHAPTERS ... UP TO NOW

Posted June 16, 2025