JOURNEY. 18. COULD ANYTHING HELP? 50 YEARS OF LONELINESS.

I’ve been writing about loneliness. Someone wrote about herself, and 50 years of loneliness - of spending 50 years in a marriage in which she was, over and over, not heard.

She left numerous times.

She kept coming back because he wanted her back so very much.

What happened? A repeat.

Here’s part of her comment, and then on to the big question: Could anything still be done, all these many years into a marriage with a huge gap between the partners?

I deeply hear (and feel) what you're saying about non-listening. I've struggled with it in the 5 decades I've spent with my husband. Recently it's only become worse, and I'm feeling it particularly keenly. It HURTS, and makes me feel far more alone than if I WAS alone. Last night I felt such a strong sense of FURY when something I was wanting/trying to express was quickly bypassed, was not being heard, with him going on to talk at length (again!) about things he knows I have no interest in. Seems he just likes to listen to his own voice . . .

So back to the question: Could anything still be done, after all these many years - after five full decades - of a marriage with a huge gap between the partners?

My answer. Yes.

But at least one partner - and ideally both partners - would need to be willing to do something different.

I’ve heard, many times, that to be neurotic is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome. I don’t know if that means you’re neurotic. My sense is that it often means something in you knows another outcome is possible, but just doesn’t know how to get there.

I think back to childhood, to my parents, where a repeat pattern was that my father would get angry about something or other, would explode, and then my mother would feel hurt for a very long time. My father had, they both agreed, been wrong to explode. On the other hand, my mother felt very right to feel hurt for a long time. My father wanted her to explode, begged her to explode and be done with it, instead of his having to live with the long time of hurt. But it wasn’t in my mother to explode.

And then time would go by. And eventually there was a replay.

Both my parents did not want a replay.

But they had no idea how to break the cycle of my father getting more and more frustrated and eventually exploding, and then my mother feeling very hurt for a long time.

How could the cycle be broken?

Intending to stop exploding was the best my father could do. It did not work. My mother believed her response was fine, so she had no reason even to try to change.

The big thing. My parents had no strategy for heading off an explosion permanently and/or changing my mother’s response.

In the case of the woman who wrote to me, wanting something different, trying over and over to be heard, has also absolutely proven not enough.

All the same, I’m a fixer.

And when it comes to hurt/damage/trouble within someone, and hurt/damage/trouble between people, I’ve been on a decades-long exploration of what can work, when people are stuck in hurt, anger, dissatisfaction, numbness, frustration, boredom, even contempt.

A few years ago I took a year-long couple counseling course, and went on to work with a number of couples. Week by week, I could see things change - and the couple could also see this. The changes might not be as quick - and especially not as quickly complete - as the couple wanted. It wasn’t magic. It was one step and then another. Sometimes the changes were surprising. For instance, the problem might not all stem from the person seen to be in the wrong.

The big thing. Over and over, change was possible. People could go - did go - from being on the brink of divorce to a lot of contentment with each other. They developed skills they hadn’t had. They came to know themselves and their partner better. They became more able to express themselves, from learning to listen to themselves more. They got more listening from their partner.

It’s been amazing to me to watch developments, to watch a couple take steps which led to more understanding, more closeness, less conflict, a better way of resolving conflicts. It’s a pleasure being part of that.

So how can one get changes to happen?

In my experience, outside help is often vital, even essential - like reading lessons for learning to read.

I’d say a basic thing is an inner commitment to finding a way to get to something more satisfactory.

And if one thing doesn’t work, then it matters to reach out for another.

Trying again, if one gets to the same result, is definitely not enough.

Elsa

PS. If you’re interested, check out my approach to personal development, Full Flourishing.

Core: the desire to flourish is as innate as the desire to breathe and to eat.

But in all areas, so many of us have so much to learn. Many people don’t breathe deeply, hunch forward so hardly any air can get into their lungs.

Many people gulp down junk food, or go from one fad diet to another and never lose the weight they want to lose.

And ever so many people have no idea how to feel contentment let alone joy, or to feel close.

But it is possible.

JOURNEY. ALL THE CHAPTERS ... UP TO NOW

Posted March 5, 2025